Where There is Love, There is no Darkness - Burundian Proverb

It's been a while since I've updated our blog- mostly because we are mentally drained from the paperwork process and fundraising. We are currently waiting for our dossier to be translated. It's in Burundi, and once they finish the translation we will officially be on the waiting list. Honestly, I have no idea how long we expect to wait. We went into this adoption saying we will have no expectations. What I've learned about International adoption, and life, really… is the less expectation you have, the better. So if it takes 2 years or 10, we are committed.

While we have been decompressing like I mentioned above, our hearts have also been heavy for the people of Burundi. It's so difficult to know exactly what's going on there, but I do know there has been political unrest since the recent election. It has a lot to do with the current President seeking a 3rd term, when, according to an agreement signed to end the genocide, a 2 term limit was put into place. It's complicated and honestly, I try as best I can to stay informed, but not overwhelmed. Things are going to play out whether we worry or not. As of now, adoptions are moving forward and most Burundians want peace. Our agency has done a great job of keeping us informed and we feel confident in their relationship with the adoption committee in Burundi.

For Kevin and I, we are seeking prayers of peace and safety. I can't let my mind drift to what our child might be doing right now. Is he near the fighting? Is he scared? Being taken care of? I just have to trust The Lord is sovereign. I love to envision His glory over the orphanages….his angels standing guard in protection of His children, refusing to let the enemy in.

For now, we will meet with The Lord and beg for peace. These words from Isaiah I will pray for the people of Burundi, and would be honored if you pray them as well:

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shined.
You have multiplied the nation;
you have increased its joy;
they rejoice before you
as with joy at the harvest
as they are glad when they divide the spoil.

For the yoke of his burden
and the staff for his shoulder
the rod of his oppressor
you have broken as on the day of Midian.

For every boot on the tramping warrior in battle tumult
and every garnet rolled in blood
will be burned as fuel to the fire.

For unto us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
of the increase of his government and of peace
there will be no end
on the throne of David over his Kingdom
to establish it and and to uphold it
with justice and with righteousness
from this time forth and forevermore
the zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this"


Amen.

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts"

I've always had anxiety around money. Early in our marriage, anytime I would think about bills or money in the bank my heart would begin to race. I've always been a good steward of money… cheap, really. But I don't think it would've mattered if I were a millionaire; if I hadn't confronted this sin I would still be stressing out about money 14 years later. Kevin is the exact opposite. Nothing gives him anxiety. I always ask him (to make myself feel more normal, I guess) "what are you most worried about right now" and he always answers, "Nothing". Kevin's the type that would give you our car if you need it. Like, to keep. In fact, he HAS given someone our car before. Really, I couldn't have been matched with someone more perfect to balance my struggles around money. Through the years, The Lord revealed to me this lack of faith I struggled with. Yes, it's absolutely about my faith. It's taken years of refining to get to the place where I am able to navigate this fear. Praise God, through His grace toward me and some hard work, finances are longer a stress. I feel like I have arrived at a better place. I'll never arrive completely, but I'm in a good place on my journey toward faith. 

Enter our adoption. I would be lying if I said this fear wasn't in the back of my mind when we took the plunge. Adopting is expensive. But, I honestly can say the Lord gave me great peace about the financial part of this process. Like He was saying, "just move forward. I got this". So we did without a whole lot to put toward this ourselves, but knowing we were being obedient and knowing The Lord would bless this. 

My tendency throughout the fundraising process when we have to pay a fee with money we don't have is to frantically scramble and come up with some creative fundraiser.  But what I've learned from a good friend is that The Lord is the one who stirs the hearts of people to give, not me. I needed to hear this because it was something I needed to let go of. So now,  we put together the fundraisers and then let The Lord go to work. We already have so many stories of having a fee due and randomly getting a check in the mail. The latest time was ordering certified documents which was an expense I hadn't planned on. I placed the order, feeling the weight of the little things that just keep adding up. I remember physically looking up to the sky in that moment, like I was saying to God "I trust you here", releasing the weight I was feeling. When I closed my computer I got a text from someone that said "I have a friend who wants to donate directly to your adoption…. what's the website"? I read the text and began weeping. The Lord sees my heart so clearly. We want so badly to do this thing He called us to and He keeps supplying our needs through such generous people.  Many of you will never know what fees are due or how much money we currently have saved when you give. 

To say thank you to those of you who have prayed, donated, asked about our adoption seems so small. But, THANK YOU. I wish I could explain to each of you what was going on with us when you made that donation. It is so appreciated, and you are playing a huge part in  this process and in my journey toward full trust in The Lord. Know that each donation, no matter the amount, is a tangible reminder of His faithfulness toward us. He cares, and He is so capable of all things.  As a former pastor of ours always said, "God is rarely early, but never late". We have seen that played out in our fundraising so far. He is so good. We are so grateful. 

On Adoption and The Gospel

When we announced we were adopting we were met with overwhelming support from friends and family. This was so expected because we have some very awesome friends and family. When you tell someone you are adopting a child from Africa they either think that is awesome or think you are crazy. We have been met with both responses. I'll just say Kevin is way more gracious than I am with the second response. :)

While we were talking through our decision to adopt with my brother, he said, "I can't think of a better depiction of the gospel lived out than adoption". I completely agree. Something that wasn't meant to be by God's design, broken, picked up and given life- re-made into the most beautiful thing. This is the gospel. Because sin entered the world, our original design was messed with. Messed up and broken. This world needed a redeemer in the worst way and by God's grace, He handed us one. Our future son was meant to stay with his first family. But because we live in a broken world, this cannot be. We don't even know the reason why this cannot be, yet. My heart breaks at the thought of receiving his referral full of information about him. Finding out his story. The story that will stay a part of him forever. So we choose him, bring him home, love the heck out of him and create a space for The Lord to do a redeeming work in his life. To show him that he is not forgotten or abandoned by Him- the one who breathed life into his precious lungs. He was created for a purpose, and we get to help him discover that purpose! We feel so grateful (and unworthy) to be a part of this sacred process.

We know, just like our own stories, redemption is so painful sometimes.
There are so many times we aren't lovable, but The Lord loves us anyway. In the same way, when our child is acting out of fear or grief or pain or trauma- they will be so, so difficult to love. We know this, because so are we! As husbands, wives, Moms, Dads, sometimes we are so, so difficult to love. But we love anyway. Because Christ loves us as we are, we love. We walk through this calling- even though we know going into this it will be hard. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's not worth doing.

We are about to finish the dossier phase of this process, which is the last process before the waiting begins. So, as we fill out the mounds and mounds of paperwork and jump through the many hoops you have to navigate through, my mind keeps drifting to what God is doing in our hearts to prepare us to welcome this child. Where do we need to change and grow. How can we allow Him to refine our hearts as a part of His sanctification process that will prepare us to do this hard thing that's in front of us? I pray we seek His face daily as we arrive closer and closer to the waiting phase. Waiting for our sweet 4th child. How sweet that day will be.